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I had the… impulse, I guess. But I can’t hold onto it. Not anymore. It’s just… habit. And it wasn’t really jealousy. It was more like surprise… and envy,” Janie said, giving Will a sidelong glance.“Hard to tell the difference sometimes. Either way you seemed pretty upset,” Will said.“I’m just so tired. I haven’t had a lot of sleep in the last few days and all this adventure is exhausting.” Janie put her head on his shoulder. He squeezed her hand.“It can be,” Will agreed.“If I’m being honest, walking in on you with Bella on the table, and then both times earlier tonight, they were exciting. I wanted to just keep watching, or join in, or just be the one with you. Or be in your position. Or to join you. I’m just so conditioned to think that seeing other people having sex is wrong that I just get so flustered and embarrassed, and then my embarrassment makes me even more embarrassed.” She sighed. “I don’t want to keep acting that way. I wish I was more like Bella or Captain Vex. They’re. We put off deciding it for a while.If we wanted to, how could we possibly do it? Déjà vu doesn't come on demand, so we couldn't arrange a convenient suicide and then start a déjà vu. Nor does it operate on a known schedule. It's random as far as we could tell, and there'd been nothing in any of the medical literature we'd read that'd said otherwise. Everything we'd read blamed the infrequent irregularity of déjà vu for the lack of progress in understanding it. Our first merge had happened because we were lucky that we were already dying when déjà vu arrived, but the chance of that happening was far too low to hope for luck again. Deliberately having another merge could only be done by waiting for déjà vu to come and then trying to die. Dying on demand - at any random time and place - didn't seem like an easy task but at least it had some possibilities, whereas trying to create déjà vu on demand did not.Even if we could do it, did we want to hurt our family? To make this work, one.
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